I am THAT mom

I am not the mom with the perfect house. Not by any means, that's for sure! I don't dress in the latest attire. Hell, I'm lucky to have my hair brushed some days!

I am that mom, screaming at her kid, who looks like she can't hold anything together.

Unless it's the pool or the park where there's lots of room and it's something they want to do, I dread going anywhere. I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do.

My son is 4, almost 5, and for the longest time, I stood by my son's side and defended him. When comments were made, in his presence I might add, about how he's going to be a handful in school because he's trouble, I defended him. That is my child. How dare you say such things! Not only to me, but to him!

But now things have changed. I still don't consider him a "bad" kid. He can be the sweetest, most loving little boy there is. But when he's not, it's hell! I am constantly telling his sister to be nicer to him. But can you really blame her? Would you be nice to someone who continually hurts you - physically and mentally? Would you be nice to someone who always followed you into your room only to scatter your toys about the room?

I get that this is sibling rivalry. I have a brother. I know all about that, believe me! The misbehaving that my son does is every fucking day! I tell him to leave his sister alone and 10 minutes later he's swinging something else at her head. And yes, there are consequences for his actions. I can't just ask him to stop because that shit just doesn't work! It has to be something that makes me feel guilty as hell. Taking toys, time outs, sometimes a spanking.

The time outs are the worst. I have to physically sit him on the rug in the kitchen and then move everything out of the way. If I don't, there's a good chance the stool will end up across the room, the rug gets thrown, cabinets doors get banged. If he doesn't destroy the kitchen, he will hurt himself! He has done both already.

Every day. Everything is every day! Asking him to do something is just as bad as asking him to NOT do something. There's always an excuse. I want him to clean up his toys. He has to pee. I want him to come inside because it's raining. He has "just one thing" he has to do.

I've tried explaining his behavior to my husband and even our pediatrician. The response I get is always to same. He's a boy. Be patient and be persistent. Well dammit, I am, but still, nothing changes! Nothing! Nobody's here with me all day. Everyone seems to think I am blowing the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde behavior out of proportion. Boys willl be boys, I agree, but I think that's cop out. You can't dismiss behavior that is causing me to almost rip my hair out every night. Or become an alcoholic.

They can think what they want, but it only pisses me off further. When the hell is someone going to realize that I am at the end of my rope? I want to go out to eat with my family and have a good time. I want to go shopping with my kids and have fun.

I'm tired of being stressed every fucking night over the actions of 1 child.


Debbie(single;complicated) said...

You did not mention the age of your son! that makes a difference. Your stress is evident..it is also natural! I think every mom has been there at one moment or another..ready to pull our hair out!!! wishing you some peace and some solutions...

Evonne said...

Sorry! He's 4, almost 5.

Tree said...

Honey....first thing I'm going to say is get another doctor!! I mean...what kind of doctor is gonna tell you "he's just a boy" when he's not only destroying things, but is destructive to himself and others. WTF?! I can totally understand your pain. I have 5 kids, which includes a set of fraternal twins. You've heard the saying..."which is the good twin and which is the bad?" Well, I despise that saying, but one of my twins is definitely worse than the other. They will be 13 this month, and the one has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was 6...tested since he was 2. The other is ADD without the hyperactivity.

PLEASE find yourself another doctor, and get him evaluated properly. He definitely has some issues going on, and you don't want them to get worse as he gets into his teens and then adulthood.

Sending you lots of prayers. I hope you are able to find a doctor that will listen to you. Oh, and good tip....write down some of the things he says and does, so when you make the appt., you have all of it right there for them to review. :)

Good luck!

Tree (aka Mother of Pearl)
Mother of Pearl It Is

Shell said...

Tree sounds like she has good advice- I'm glad to take it!

My 5 year-old has some of these same behaviors. I swear that he disobeys just to be a little punkass. Yes, I called him a punkass. Because he does know better and just chooses not to listen.

Then, there is my four year-old, who acts out but it's so hard for me to know exactly how much he is able to process(he's still about a year behind developmentally).

Not that these are the same as yours- but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Andrea said...

That is rough I am so sorry to hear that!! :( Hang in there!!

Kelly said...

I have one of those kids! While I completely feel your pain right now, there is good news! Soon he will act the same around everyone, and all will see what you are going through! Stay strong momma.

Kmama said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is when they are acting out.

First, do you have a video camera? If you do, even if it's only on your phone, video him. Then you have the behavior on video to share with the doctor.

Second, share that video with your son. I had to do that with Buddy last year right before Christmas. He had a major meltdown over something stupid and I video taped him and then said I was sending it to Santa so he could see how he behaved. That flipped him out. Then I had him watch and he agreed that he was behaving ridiculously.

That's all the advice I have though.


The Mayor! said...

Ahhh, Jules! I too had a child that yes, I loved, but frankly didn't LIKE her much at all...for 4 or 5 years...I would lock myself in the bathroom & bawl almost daily, not able to handle her behaviour & not able to take her out without huge scenes or meltdowns. I'd have to stand at her door holding it shut so she wouldn't leave, while she kicked & screamed & pounded on the door the whole time. She would get out of her car seat at 2 years old & climb in to the trunk while I was on the highway. Nothing phazed her for punishment, she just didn't care if I took stuff away, or TRIED to time her out...she was violent & out of control, it was so difficult as a mother to get thru the day with her.

ANYWHO, the moral of the story is, she DID outgrow the worst of it...she is teacher's pet, & she is kind & helpful & sweet & loving...absolutely, we still butt heads more than any of my other kids, but once she started school & got a little bit older & better able to have me "reason" with her, things improved tenfold! She is now almost 10 & I tell her the horror stories...she laughs...I still cry! As tough as it is, my advice IS a little more patience, see how he does over the next year or so, their emotional maturity changes a lot between "toddler/preschooler" & school age...I think so much of her acting out was sheer anger & frustration of not being able to express herself, as they get older they are better able to do that & learn the tools to do it properly! He's too little to be turning to medicating or being "labelled"...give him some time to grow emotionally, & see where it gets him. Hang in lady, I really empathize with how hard it is, & talking about it will help YOU get thru it!

Babes Mami said...

I agree with Tree, sounds like wonderful advice. Sending you some love and hoping you get this figured out.

SouthLakesMom said...

Jules, I have two teens now - one of each, and we've had some issues with each, but not to the extent you're experiencing.

The only advice I can offer, based on my experience with my son, is dad MUST get on board. This is largely an authority issue, and if DAD doesn't demonstrate consistent respect for mom's authority, then there is no way son will think it is important either. If it's possible for dad to spend LOTS of time with him (i.e. send them on a long weekend camping), do so. Even dad will get tired of the worst of it, and will start enforcing limits...hopefully.

And I agree, a) film the behavior; and b) get another doctor.

Don't wait for him to grow out of it -- destructive behavior usually accelerates or worse, goes underground.