Cat Tales

Yesterday was a typical Monday, meaning it was crap. If I wasn't dropping it, I was breaking it. And this was all before 8:30am!



I needed to step outside and regroup. I went to the side of the house because the kids can't find me there to sit on the step at the edge of the porch. About 10 feet in front of me I see this black pile of I don't know what! Then I remember the night before.

I was sitting on the couch with the husband playing Sudoku on my phone while he watched some show with Stephen Hawking, who by the way really does sound like Kermit the Frog! While I'm playing my game I hear this mousy squeal of distress by the side window. Apparently the cat found the mouse that I suspected was running around under the deck.

That must be what that pile of I don't know what is.





Instead of getting a shovel to clean it up like an intelligent person would do, I walk over empty handed. Nope, not a mouse! It's the insides of some rodent or another. Ew! Whatever appetite I had was now gone. Time to go back in.

Fast forward an hour... I realize that it may get hot today and I should probably clean up the mess soon. I grab my shovel and walk around the house to discover....

A HEADLESS BABY BUNNY!!!!!

And don't you know the mother fucking cat that lives on our back porch has the nerve to rub against my leg with a look of

"Look! I brought you a present!"

Stupid cat!

As I'm standing there with shovel in hand, I hear a sound. The sound of the front door opening. Followed by the patter of feet belonging to a 4 year old. Bare feet mind you!

NOOO!!!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!

Mid-step, bare foot directly over the bunny guts! Drop shovel, scoop up boy, chuck him in the backdoor. Pick up shovel, scoop up bunny remains, chuck them up on the back hill. If the cat wants her leftovers, she can have them up there!

It then occurs to me that there are still flies buzzing. That must mean there are invisible specks of grossness in the grass still. I remember what the cop told me after he shot the raccoon in our yard last year - pour hot water over the spot to wash everything away. That's a true story! There's probably still a bullet in our yard!

I go in the house, turn the water on as hot as I can get it and fill a pot. I tip the pot to dump the water over the grass when the water hits the ground

IT SPLASHES BACK UP ON MY LEG!!!!


EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

BUNNY GUTS ON MA LEG!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the cat knew I was pissed at her because she avoided me the rest of the day. The dirty looks and curses may have given that away!


Fast forward to returning home from getting the husband from work...

Walking towards the front door I catch the cat out of the corner of my eye sitting on the side of the house. She has a gleam in her eye. A gleam that says

"Look! I brought you a present!"

Son of a bitch! She went up on the hill, retrieved her leftovers, and brought them back down to the house to eat. Dammit!!!

I get everyone in the house and go out the backdoor to get my shovel yet again. I walk around the house only to see another set of bunny insides. Son of a bitch! This is a new rabbit!

If I wake up in the morning and see another damn decapitated bunny on the side of the house, I'm chucking the cat up on the hill with the shovel!

After I find a wetsuit. I don't want to be the one to discover the rabbit flu!