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The elves who spy

When I was growing up, I had an aunt who would tell us kids to watch out, Santa's elves were watching us. A lot of us tell our kids that Santa and/or his elves are watching. It can be a great trick to get kids to behave. Sometimes. But my aunt would take this a little too far.

At any given time throughout the year when we got together, she would pull out the elf card.

"You better behave! I just saw an elf behind that tree!"

"You better clean up your toys. There's an elf on the sky light watching you!"

She got so into it that it actually scared us kids. This aunt always was a little off and doesn't have her own kids, but who in their right mind thinks it's a good idea to scare the crap out of little kids?!

While we're on the subject of elves, I have contemplated over the past year or so on picking up our own Elf on the Shelf. I'm not sure it it would improve certain behaviors in this house, but I believe that my kids would get a kick out of it. Some of their friends have their own elves on their shelves. My kids love hearing the stories they tell of where the elf was hiding today.

Elf on the Shelf

On Christmas Eve, we got together with some family - the side of the family this particular aunt is on. As loopy as she is, it was unfortunate that her and Grandma could not make the trip up from South Carolina. But that didn't stop us "kids" from talking about her scary elves. This conversation leads to elves on the shelves. My cousin thinks those elves are a horrible idea. It was traumatizing enough to know that invisible elves were peeking into our windows on any given day. Now there is an actual elf that you can hide around your house.

This conversation was had within ear shot of my midgets. Now we all know that if we tell our kids directly to do something, selective hearing kicks in and our words are lost in translation. Conversations like this/ Every single syllable is heard by little ears. I already have one who is starting to question the Santa belief system and given the right mood, there's a chance she could destroy all hope in her little brother. This conversation certainly doesn't help. After agreeing that elves peeking in our windows was creepy, proclaiming that an Elf on the Shelf was genius seemed a little silly.

The holidays were great except...

Minus the events I bitched about yesterday!

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!

It's a can opener. That I know for sure. I was so happy to see this from the in-laws Christmas morning. I don't even think they knew our old was is a piece of shit. It only takes off half of a lid.

Last night for dinner I was ecstatic to use this bad boy. The handles are pretty cool and the turner thingy (yes, that's a technical term) has a pretty good grip. But how the hell do I get it to actually open a can?!?

I tried for 15 minutes to open 1 single can of green beans! I was afraid the leftovers were going to burn. But, no! The bastard doesn't want to work. Must be a man!

I had to turn my old piece of shit to get half the top off and a knife to pry the rest off. By that point, I don't think I should have been trusted with a knife!

Any words of wisdom? Please?!?

Only Parent Chronicles

The post where I sound selfish

Like most families, we have our own set of traditions for the holidays. One of those holidays involves traveling to my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas Eve. We've been doing this since I was a little girl of 6 when my parents got married.

It started as going to my Grandparent's house and my aunt and uncle would come in from out of town. Like most people, my grandparents aged and retired. They moved south and the tradition was reversed. To my aunt and uncles house we would go with my grandparents coming in from out of town.

There are 6 kids and we are all now grown. Some of us have families of our own, some are still in college and some are just out f college trying to make a life of their own. With our growing families and changing financial situations (let's face it, most college or just out of college kids are broke), our gift giving ways have changed.

A few years ago we adopted to joys of the grab bag. Only the adults participated and we all bought for the little kids. At the time, my 2 were the only kids. My daughter's birthday is in November and at her party we would draw names.

This year was different. And I'm not sure if this is a change I like.

When my mom asked my aunt about drawing names she said something was brought to her attention. One of her own children suggested we only buy gifts for the kids. The kids would be my 2 and my cousin's little boy. That meant us and my mom only had to buy for one person. Score! Or so I thought.

As in previous years, we traveled over to their house for a lovely dinner. Turkey, cranberry sauce, cinnamon Jell-o, potatoes, rolls, the works. After dinner we put on our fancy clothes and head to church. I have 2 issues with going to church. First, I was raised Catholic and the church we go to Christmas Eve is Lutheran. Second, I am not a religious person. I'm not saying I don't believe, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I do believe. But that's a post for another time. I will say that their pastor is an amazing speaker and singing Silent Night to nothing but an organ and candle light is nothing short of beautiful.

We return to their house, take the obligatory family photo, eat a few cookies, and pass out gifts.

I loved being there since I don't have the chance to see my cousins much anymore, but something just felt off. I kept my comments to myself until I spoke with my mom the following day. We both agreed that they all bought gifts for each other . We both realize that, no matter what you believe, Christmas is much more than presents, but we also felt jipped. It's important to go over there for the sake of my brother. He is the only one who is related to them by blood. Keeping him involved in that side of the family is important, but at the same time were we really welcome there? Or was the invite out of necessity?

I'm really not looking for any answers because I'm not sure if there is one. As we all get older we lose contact with certain people. It almost feels like this is becoming one of those situations. It could also be nothing except a change. I don't always deal well with change and maybe that's why I feel off about the whole thing. If you read this far, thanks. I really appreciate you listening to me rambling on. If you have opinions, I would love to hear them.

Meery Christmas to all

We all have our own ways of celebrating the holidays. Some are religious and focus on that side of Christmas, while others focus on spending time with family. Some are all about the gifts, but I hope the majority of that group is all under the ripe old age of 10.

Some go all out for Christmas, while other don't. Or can't.

We all have our own way of celebrating and no matter how you do it, I hope you enjoy every minute of it.

Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night

Let's talk about sex

All the good things
and the bad things that may be

There is no shame here. I do it just like everyone else. Well, maybe not exactly like everyone else. We all have things we like and we all have things we don't, but in the end the job gets done.

If the job doesn't get done, then I'm so sorry. There's not much I can do to help, but I wish you all the best!

I'm not one to open up and freely talk about my sex life. Like with other aspects of my life, if you ask I will probably answer, but all you need to know for now it that it's good. Real good!

Talking about sex with the husband or other adults is one thing. With kids? That's another ball of wax!

My oldest midget is 9. I know the day we have "the talk" is coming. More than likely, sooner than I want, but for now? I'm not ready to travel down that road. If she approached me with questions I would do my best to answer. But I am not about to throw the ins and outs at her if I'm not sure she's ready. But her age presents a sticky situation. Some of her friends have started to talk.

One boy has had some talks with other kids about sex. As of last year, according to his mom, sex is a man and a woman lying together, hugging and kissing. And that is how you make a baby. Add another year, and an older sibling. Is his definition still the same? If your 9 year old came home with this definition, what do you do? Should you go with it or explain what really happens? See, sticky!

Ask me about my sex life and you may get an answer. Explaining it to my child? How about we go out for ice cream instead?

Is Christmas really magical?

Christmas can be a magical time of year.

The houses all adorned with beautiful displays of lights. The radio stations play all of your favorite Christmas songs. If you're lucky and live in the right part of the country, you may just wake to freshly fallen snow on Christmas morning. Christmas is a time to spend with family, enjoying good company and good food.

This may all be true, but after the age of 10, Christmas really isn't all that magical. My house may have a beautiful tree

O Christmas tree

but getting to that point was almost not possible. I about pulled out all of my hair trying not to have the midgets break all of the ornaments. As you can tell by the lovely quality of the picture, even my camera was tired of trying to get in the mood.

The radio stations? I really do love hearing certain songs, but let's face it. Some Christmas songs are just down right weird. Like "Santa looks a lot like Daddy". I'll make sure the midgets listen to that song!

As for freshly fallen snow? I don't care how beautiful it looks. It sucks! When you're 30-some years old, it is no longer fun to bundle up and play in the snow. You want me to go sled riding with you? It's cold out there! Hell no! I'll watch you from the window of the nice warm dining room, thank you very much!

And after last year


I'm happy to never see snow again! Although Mother Nature apparently disagrees with me. Bitch!

I remember as a kid being so excited that Christmas was almost here. Looking at it from the end of a parent, it's not so exciting. The excitement inside those little bodies of my midgets is slowly killing me. Right now I will gladly let them watch tv or play on the computer all day if it means I can have some peace and quiet. The holiday break next week may very well be the end of me!

Did you notice I left out the part of what it's like to spend time with family as an adult? That was on purpose because we all realize what our families are like. Even if you think you have a great and perfect family, there's always 1 in there that screws everything up!

All I have to say is I may very well indulge in some beers when I'm at my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas Eve. I'm not a beer drinker, but all this "excitement" might lead me to do it.

What list are you on?

Twitter is an interesting thing. I'm addicted and I know that I'm not the only one. Most people know that Twitter has this thing called "Lists". I personally don't do lists. My reasoning? I'm lazy. Perhaps if I started listing people from the beginning it wouldn't be a big deal. To be honest, I don't feel like taking the time to go through all of my followers and figuring out which list to put them in. I have a hard enough time figuring out screen names and passwords for myself. List titles is just another thing I don't want to get involved with. But I have noticed that people who do use lists have some pretty interesting ones.

What twitter list are you on?

Last night as I was getting ready for bed my phone buzzed and beeped. I knew no one would text me that time of night so I assumed it was an email. My assumption was correct. I was pleasantly surprised to see a new Twitter follower. A follower that is not a company that has nothing to do with what I tweet about. Not to stray too far off track, but some recent followers include someone who wants to help me raise business savvy kids. My midgets are 5 and 9. The only business they care about is negotiating to get their own way. Another interesting one is for a Somali discussion forum. Um... what the fuck is that about?!

Getting back to my newest follower... We have 1 follower in common and that would be my husband. Maybe it was a mutual friend from our past or something so I did what I always do. Snoop. Her most recent tweets involved apologizing for not listing my husband and no offense to me (her words) but she would list me if she knew my twitter account. Of course he tells her which leads to the follow. According to their conversation, I'm hot. Um, thanks?

So if I'm hot and she wants to list us both, exactly what kind of list are we on? I haven't figured out if or where I'm listed for this chick, but the husband is in her PILFS list. Maybe I'm naive and that acronym has a different meaning in the technology world, but I know what it means to me. Going that naive route, I Googled pilfs and the "P" could mean a few things-

  • People - that makes sense
  • Presidents - they're usually old, but if that's your cup o' tea, whatever
  • Professors - I've had some I would put on that list!
  • Pie - um, I think you've seen American Pie 1 too many times!
  • Puppets - I don't want to know!

But for each of those results, the word behind the "F" remained the same. Fuck. Whoever she wants to put on that list is her business. I personally find it rather amusing! Wonder if the husband realizes this?

It felt so good I wanted to scream


I was beginning to have my doubts. The husband ordered my new toy 2 weeks ago. The website said delivery would take 3-7 days. I was starting to go through withdrawal. I was antsy, getting the shakes, the whole 9 yards.

He was afraid the purchase wasn't processed and we would have to wait until after Christmas to try the order again. I was starting to think Mr. Online shopper's packages would arrive first. But alas, I opened the mailbox this morning and there it was!

long and shiny

new toy

vibrations in my hand

doing it all over the house

it felt so good I wanted to scream

I have never been more excited to get new parts for my vacuum in the mail!

Only Parent Chronicles

I need to up my mood

Last night I had to do a mom thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than life. I love doing things to stay involved in their lives. But sometimes I just want someone to shoot me.

This particular mom thing involves me being one of the leaders of a Girl Scout troop. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the company of a 9 year old girl? It's really not that bad. Now add 8 more girls of the same age. I think a stay in hell would be more pleasurable than that!

I have never wanted to tell someone else's child to shut the fuck up so much in my entire life! I think I actually bit the tip of my tongue off trying to restrain myself.

Thank the stars we made in home in one piece. Trust me when I saw that truly is a Christmas miracle. I desperately needed something to calm me nerves and up my mood. I figured I had 3 options~

1. Drink. Heavily!

2. Eat the Hershey bars that were sitting in the candy bowl.

3. Listen to my pissed-off-put-me-in-a-better-mood music.

Once I weighed my options, there was only 1 solution. Only 1 because I don't drink beer, and that's what is in our fridge. And me eating those delicious chocolate bars would only result in more screaming from little people. That leaves option number 3.

Being the Christmas season and all, I figured I'd turn to one of my favorite holiday songs.

Cats and the supernatural

Since my new toy hasn't come in the mail yet, I think I'll tell you about our cat.

black catNot ours
but close enough
Courtesy of Google

Approximately 6 or 7 years ago we noticed a black cat in our neighborhood. It seemed fairly nice and was drawn to our backyard. Mostly because the husband was a sucker and would give it all kinds of attention.

This cat appeared to be full grown, so we knew there was no way to domesticate it. Also, we had a baby is the house who was the product of a man with allergies. Being a new mom, I didn't need to add anything extra to my workload. So we just enjoyed it's company when it came to visit.

The cat was known to hang out in the neighbors yards as well, but like I said, it seemed to prefer ours. I should probably mention at this point that the husband thought it was a good idea to feed the cat. Lovely, right?

Days would go by with no sight of her. Him? We never really looked into that, so for the sake of the story, we'll say the cat was female. Then she would show up for some food and attention. We grew rather found of our cat and over time the kids enjoyed the extra company, too.

About a month ago, our cat had passed away. We knew she was getting up there in age and we knew the inevitable was bound to happen. As I said, she wasn't really our cat, but we did enjoy the company she brought.

In the few weeks after the cat had passed, I swore up and down that she was still there. At night I would hear noises as if something was walking on our back hill. The sound wasn't heavy enough to be a person or a large animal, like a deer. The logical side of me thought it was the leaves falling, since it was Fall. But the ghost lover side of me thought otherwise. I never felt threatened. I felt that, if this was the cat, maybe she wasn't ready to move on yet. Soon after, I stopped hearing the noises.

Last Saturday I was at my sister-from-another-mister's house for a get together with some friends. I got home rather late, but before I went to bed, I stepped outside for a bit. The first thing I noticed were tiny cat footprints in the newly fallen snow. The direction of the prints were towards the porch. I searched and could not find footprints anywhere else in the yard. I have seen other wild cats through the years. Maybe that was it, but I found it rather odd to not find any prints leaving the porch.

You can call me crazy for believing in all that ghost stuff, but I take comfort in the thought that our cat is still gracing us with her presence.

Could socks and underwear turn me into a sexy mom?

Yes the lights are pretty and the holiday spirit can be rather uplifting, but sometimes I really feel that the holidays suck. I mean really, some of this shit drives me bat shit crazy! You know what makes it worse? Holidays suck when you're single and don't have a pretty face. Maybe that's why I turn to Jules Out Loud to get everything out. I'm not quite daring enough to take a picture so you can look at my gray hair. Maybe if I pulled out a loud prom dress, I could look somewhat prettied up. Talk about sexy conundrums!

Another things that drives me bat shit crazy this time of year are the pathetic Hanukkah end-caps. Why can't there be more of those racks than just Chanukkah socks and underwear? Seriously people, get with the program!

You know what I think I need to pull me out of this funk? Some sort of take 2 prom extravaganza. Now that will surely make me feel like the sexy mom that I am!

This post is brought to you by me, with the help of Google Analytics. Everything in blue are what people were searching for that landed them on my lovely blog. I don't know how I ended up in the single result, because I'm not. But what really confuses me is how I ended up in the results for not having a pretty face and being a sexy mom. One or the other please! Preferably sexy mom!

But one thing I know for sure, I feel bad for the person who is getting Chanukkah socks and underwear this year!

Happy Holidays

I realize that my past few posts haven't been the most uplifting. I was in my thinking place and quite often it helps to put it all out there and get some other perspectives. To those who left me your thoughts and opinions, I thank you.

Now moving on...

This is supposed to be a joyful time of year, full of love and smiles. I would like to share with you one of my favorite sights that always puts a smile on my face.

My favorite Christmas commercial...

For those unfamiliar with where I'm from,
the commercial is from a local restaurant.

And for those of you who celebrate Hannukah. Chanukkah? Um, is there really a right way to spell it? Anywho, happy Hanukkah!