Could this be it?

I stand on the sidewalk. I watch my kids weave around the picnic tables. The heavenly scent of burning wood and bar-b-que sauce from the smoker fills my nose. Then I hear it.

My phone.

My mom is calling. I know it's her without even looking. Those close to me are privileged enough to have their own unique ring tone. It never occurs to me that it is well before 5 o'clock and she is still at work. She may text, but she rarely makes cell phone calls from her office.

As I answer the phone and hear, "I'm calling to let you know...".

This is not good.

My mom was leaving work because an ambulance was on it's way to take my Grandma to the hospital. The Sister from my Grandma's building had called my mom, who was now relaying the situation to me. She was having chest pains. Again.

My Grandma has already had a heart attack, a stint, and open heart surgery. She is still an active woman and other than her heart, she is in general good health. But she is 87 years old.

She has always been a big part of my life. Although I am grown with my own family and we don't see each other as often, our relationship is still very close.

Outside of her heart attack, this was not the first time my Grandma experienced chest pains and trouble breathing. It scares the hell out of me whenever I get that phone call. The one where an ambulance is on it's way.

Could this be it?

Could this be the big one?

Will I once again lose someone who I hold so close to my heart?

How will I help my children understand the finality of death?

My daughter is a sensitive soul. News like that will absolutely devastate her. My son is 6 and while he has talked about death, I'm not sure he would fully understand. The pieces of my already broken heart will only shatter more when I see that same pain in my children's eyes.

This time my Grandma has been spared. Tests came back with positive news and she will be cleared to go home later today. But how many more of those phone calls will there be?

I am not ready, nor will I ever be.

update: My Grandma had another episode and is staying at the hospital another night so the doctors can figure out what is going on. I hate this!!


Oka said...

Same feelings going through me, every time dad has called to say Mom is at the hospital.

Helene said...

I remember going through the same anxieties when my grandmother (my mother's mom) was very sick. It was like just waiting around for that phone call and it was very unnerving.

I'm so sorry.

MommaKiss said...

I never knew any of my grandparents, they all passed before I was born. Not that my kids know theirs - I want them to live forever! They're so close to the boys. I'll pray for your grandma.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, I am so sorry. This is never easy, sending prayers.

Liz said...

I'm so sorry! I hope that the docs get it figured out and she can go home and stay there for a while!

Tina @ Life Without Pink said...

Oh big hugs to you! My grandmom is 89n and she has been rushed to the hospital before, it's very scary. Praying for her!