What's inside my dirty blond head

How do you know if you've done enough?

How do you know if you've done too much?

How do you know if you care too much?

These are some of the questions floating around in my little dirty blond head. I know some people wonder if it's even possible to care too much. Sometimes I'd beg to differ.

I care about people I meet, whether it's on- or offline. When they are in a rough place, I want to jump in and do what I can to help. When they are happy, I want to share in their joy.

Most days I am happy with those I surround myself with. No, they may not know all my secrets and all things I have been through in my life, but part of that is just who I am. Many things I choose not to talk about freely. However that doesn't mean if a certain subject were to arise I would run away and hide.

But then there are those days. Those moments where I wonder if I give more than I receive.

People who I thought were close to me? The relationship feels fractured. Yet I still continue to give. If I open my mouth or walk away, I will be seen as ungrateful, selfish. Possibly jealous. For now all I can do is hope that no one gets hurt in the end. This is not a situation I want to pick the pieces up from.

Sometimes when I have things figured out, I get smacked in the face. I don't know which way is up or which way is down. Who's words do I trust? Do I play the naive card? It's most likely the best route to take, but is it the best?

No one tells you how many questions life can hold. And there is no one out there who can give you the right answer. Perhaps I need to change more than just my dirty blond hair? Or perhaps things are sometimes better left untouched.


Oka said...

"Sometimes when I have things figured out..."

It's been a very long time since I have thought I had anything figured out.

I consider myself a giver in most of my relationships. It becomes clear more often than I can count that my giving is often taken for granted and expected. When the moment comes that I can't quite fill their needs, I am looked at as the villain. It is at this point I usually reevaluate the relationship. I don't normally (but have had to) try to leave the relationship, but I can honestly say it is altered significantly.

Kmama said...

I'm with Oka. I don't think I have much figured out.

I hope you can find peace in the situation.

Di said...

I struggle with giving too much too but I don't think I am capable of giving less - even when I want to. Even if it doesn't feel like it at the time everything you do is appreciated - the person just might now be able to acknowledge it at the time!

Shell said...

I don't think I have anything figured out. I have some friendships that I thought were equal... until I moved away and realized that a lot were just friendships of convenience, at least on their side.

Erin said...

I don't think I'll ever have anything figured out. I'm not sure it's really possible. I often think I'm too nice, too, and catch myself wondering about the reality of the friendships I have as well.

You are not alone.

Wonderful post, very thought-provoking.

Tammy said...

Great post! I ask myself those questions a lot...I have learned to step back a little because I gave so much that I forgot about myself a couple years ago and I got really depressed. I learned that I can't do it all, and that most people don't need to be given your all...they just want "some".

Liz said...

there have definitely been people where i've put in way more effort, and eventually figured out it was pointless to continue giving.

Debbie said...

You are so right about this! It is hard to know. I just try to do my best -whatever that is.
Came over from SITS to say hi.