The struggle to desire

The other day while sitting at a red light, I turned to look at you. Your long blond hair and your baby blues - they took me back to when we first met.

We were merely children. High school sophomores. Even though I was young, I knew. You were the one I was meant to be with. Marriage and children certainly weren't n my mind at the age of 16, but that is what happened.

Looking back on our life together, it hasn't always been easy. We have both worked hard to get where we are today. There is a chance of great things happening in our future. We deserve it and I really hope things go the way we want.

As excited as I am, I am also saddened by the things that may not come.

I've talked about it before and it's an issue I still struggle with. Babies. Their soft skin, powdery smell, and tiny toes. Being pregnant were some of the best months of my life. Except for swollen feet. I could do without that again.

When I see and hear about friends who are expecting, I am overjoyed for them. But I also feel a little pang of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. If you are one of those friends, please don't take this as me raining on your parade. That is not my intention, but knowing this is most likely something I will not experience again sometimes hurts.

Having children is something I knew I always wanted. From a biological standpoint, that is what a woman is supposed to do - have babies. Being told you can't, especially for a woman who doesn't always like to hear no, can be difficult.

This is not about my husband squashing my dreams. I agree with his reasoning and I am happy with my life. Our children are growing more independent and we have a mostly well established schedule. Adding a baby would mean rearranging schedules, buying car seats and all the equipment they need, and pack a bag for where ever we go. I love babies, but do I really want to start over again? I'm not sure if I do.

But that doesn't mean the desire to hold another baby of my own doesn't creep in sometimes.

Pour your heart out


Kmama said...

I completely agree. I'm not sure that I'd want to go through another c-section recovery, get three children ready by myself in the morning, etc., but the thought of not being able to do so if I want to, that's what kills me.

Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

I think all women hate being told that they can't do something, especially when it comes to our own bodies. *hugs* I also don't think those yearning feelings for a baby will ever go away. I now watch my mother, who always wanted more kids, go through the same feelings. Only this time, it's directed towards grandchildren.

Brittney said...

awww hun if its meant to happen it will happen either way! Enjoy you and the hubby's time together ((hugs))

Jenny said...

it does sound like you guys have created a wonderful life together. that thought of wanting another one, enters every woman's mind.

stopping by from pyho said...

I know all about baby envy. I totally sympathize with you.

But just think of diaper blowouts and spitting up. Ew.

Shell said...

I think it's completely natural to have that desire to hold a baby again. Even though I know we are done and even want to be most days...there are still those pangs.

Shauntelle said...

It's funny... I know I don't want more kids... my oldest is almost 15 and the youngest is 7, and their (relative) independence has given me a lot more freedom in the last year or so to pursue personal dreams than I've had since I started having babies back when I was 23... BUT... when I see a chubby little baby in the store or wherever, part of my heart aches for that time again.

I can't have more kids and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't elect more if I could... but there's still that little ache. Don't know why exactly, but just wanted to tell you that you definitely aren't alone.