Trouble blows through me like the wind.
A friend and I would say this all the time, but mostly when we were teenagers, standing in line for the newest roller coaster that was really fast and turned you upside down.
Being a hollow reed is a good motto to live by. When things get tough, stop and breathe. Relax and your troubles will flow out like the wind through that reed.
But lately things are different. My reed seems to be getting clogged. At times I'm not even sure a light breeze would flow through it.
Some days are fine, but others are not. On those bad days, I feel my world is closing in. One task is due this day, another is due that day. Homework needs checked, laundry needs done. Holy shit the kids need to back up out of my face because, oh my god, I need to find something nutritious for my family to eat for dinner!
A long, hot shower used to isolate me from it all and grant me the time I needed to refocus. That no longer works. My crochet projects that I wold work on every night to soothe my mind and calm my nerves - I am slowly losing the desire to finish any project I have started. This leads to nagging by a child if the project is for them. And that leads to more clenched knuckles and visions of red.
At first I thought it was adding a new job to my already full plate. It was a new task so naturally that must be the straw that's about to break my back. But it's not. I absolutely love my job as a Macaroni Kid publisher. I have an amazing group of women I can go to for support and my partner who started the newsletter for our area is nothing short of amazing. Like me, she knows the work that needs done. She also understands that having families can make those deadlines a bit more flexible.
Since it's not my new job, perhaps it is Girl Scouts that is starting to burn me out. With new books and new badges, it's a learning process for us all. The troop is small, but don't let those girls fool you. They can be quite trying. I'm not a big drinker, but something with an umbrella sounds very appealing after I return home from a meeting.
If it's not Girl Scouts, perhaps it's family things. I hate the house we live in, but it's anything but easy to just pick up and move. Paying for mistakes from our pasts is something we must do, and we are, but it is trying. The brakes squealed on the car yesterday. Does this mean we need to put off new glasses for me or replacing my computer for yet another month?
Are things as bad in reality as they are in my head? Probably not. But having too many things on my plate and constant dialogues running through my head reminding me what needs done makes it feel really bad.
I am stuck at a crossroads. I know I need to take a new path. One not riddled with anxiety. I also know I can't take everything on my plate with me down that path. But what needs to stay behind?
I need to find a way to let that breeze once again flow through my reed.