Why you shouldn't be a prostitute

It's funny the things you see when you take your 10 year old daughter out for a shopping trip and a snack.

The husband and I have a date night this weekend and I wanted a pair of fancy black tights to go with my dress. My daughter loves to shop, even if it's just window shopping, so I took her with me.  It was a quick trip to Target, even though I did walk out with more than I planned.  A quick trip like this doesn't usually work up an appetite, but by the time GG and I hit the check out, she was "staaaarrrrrr-ving!!!"  My skinny little girl can eat like the typical teenage boy!

After paying, we headed over towards the snack bar when she said she wanted mac 'n' cheese.  You have to get the whole kids meal to get mac 'n' cheese and I wasn't doing that.  I told her we would drive down the road and stop at Sheetz.  They have mac 'n' cheese.

We drove down the road, avoiding construction cones and pot holes that seem to be on every. stinkin. road in this forsaken city.  As I went to make the turn into Sheetz, I noticed the light show provided by a local police car.  I assumed someone was pulled over for blowing a red light or speeding, but as I drove by, I noticed a young woman being cuffed.

In an effort to distract GG who likes all things sparkly and flashy, I started telling her about all the trips to Sheetz I made when I was younger and the crazy food I got with my friends.  She laughed at me, but I did not sway her from the decision to eat mac 'n' cheese.  We ordered, paid, and GG asked if we could sit at one of the tables outside so she could eat her food while it was still hot.  Assuming the light show was gone because once your arrested, everyone pretty much leaves the scene, I said yes.  I assumed wrong.

Sitting at the table outside is when I realized that we were witnessing an undercover prostitution bust.  Why?  Let me explain...

A total of 3 vehicles were pulled over.  The first, a gray car.  The driver was a plain clothed police man/  The second, a minivan.  The driver of said minivan was handed papers from the uniformed police man in vehicle number 3.  Minivan man was also told to drive off after the girl was cuffed.  Upon closer inspection of the girl, her booty shorts and too-small tank could have fit my 10 year old!  Am I again making assumptions?  Probably.  But it sure was funny watching her argue with the cops from the back of the patrol car, while trying to wriggle out of the cuffs.  I really hope the minivan man wasn't married.  Then it would be a sucky night for both of them.

I realize it's cruel of me to laugh at other's misfortune, but this situation is why you should never be a prostitute.  Or try to pick one.  Or if you are a prostitute or pick one up, don't get caught!

How to ruin a potential friendship

Attend, as well as host, a Tupperware party.


In mid-August, a girl from a bar my mom frequents was hosting a Tupperware party. We shall call this girl Tami. Not wanting to go alone, my mom invited me. I was quite excited because I wasn't sure if Tupperware even existed anymore.

The consultant, we shall call her Barbie, was a little too bubbly for my taste. But that doesn't mean we didn't enjoy ourselves. We saw some of the newest products, had some wicked good salsa, and my mom even "won" a necklace. Quotes because she didn't get to keep the necklace, but she could keep what was inside the mini container of a charm. Provided she host a party, of course.

At the end of the party, my mom and I filled out our order forms and chose a date for the party. Guess who got suckered into co-hosting said party? Ya, this girl. We chose a date in mid-September and were told by Barbie she would contact us when she returned from her training in Disney (oh-la-la). She was leaving the following day.

Two weeks pass and my mom and I are beginning to wonder where our products were and when we would hear from Barbie. I turned to the Tupperware website, which happens to be crap. I have an easier time contacting blog owners than someone from the Tupperware corporate office! But I did discover that products take 9 business days to ship. We should have had our products by then, but decided to give it a few more days.

Week three. We finally hear from Barbie, consultant extraordinaire. She says our party is all set up and ready to go. She would send one of us books and order forms within a few days so we could try to get outside orders. I inquired about our products. Our products were shipped directly to Tami because we opted out of the extra cost to have them shipped to us. That little $4.50 option was never explained to us.

This is where everything really started to go downhill.

My mom didn't get to the bar until later that week, when she was finally able to grab our products from Tami's car. Tami had been driving around with our stuff for almost 3 weeks by this point. She had our phone numbers, yet never called. She knew my mom's "friend", who goes there more than my mom, yet Tami never mentioned anything to him. Our books and order forms arrived the following week, 4 days before our party. Two books, order forms we couldn't read, and 4 days does not do well when trying to get outside orders, thankyouverymuch!

By now I was ready to cancel the party, but I sucked it up. If I would have known Barbie was going to talk for 4 damn hours at the party, I definitely would have canceled. We only had 5 people, and that's including my mom and I! She's lucky the party wasn't at my house or I surely would have kicked her out, products and all. Well, most of them.

We closed our party a week later. There were a few more bumps in the road, but not even a week after closing, our products arrived. Thank goodness this debacle was over!

Or so I thought.

Because my mom ordered stuff from Tami, she returned the favor. But instead of giving my mom her order, she gave it directly to Barbie. They're like BFFs or something. We only figured out Tami's order by process of elimination. Since my mom doesn't go to Tami's bar very often, she thought she would return the favor by driving around with her products in the car until she saw her.

Turns out Tami isn't a fan of this being done to her. Tami wants her special water pitcher. Tami has called Barbie, who has sent a text to my mom as well as calling me. We both explained that Tami will get her stuff. We're not sure when, but it will be by the end of the week. I really didn't want to wait a month for my new pitcher either. Karma. That's all I have to say.

And after all of this, Barbie didn't seem to understand why I don't want to be on her team as a consultant. We could all use a little extra money, but sorry honey. I'm not that desperate!




Because I know at least one girl from my party who sometimes reads this, thank you so much for helping me out by ordering and booking a party. I really hope your party goes over just as well as mine did, minus all the talking. But please don't be offended if I don't physically come. I'm not sure I can spend anymore time in the same room as Barbie!

A little consideration please

We all know what happens when we assume. Perhaps I am being an ass in this situation, but that doesn't mean I'm not upset.

Months ago, before summer, my mother-in-law informed me of an upcoming wedding. The husband's cousin was getting married in November. I'm not too familiar with his side of the family, but had every intention of attending. A few years prior we also attending this girl's sister's wedding. Our son didn't join us because he was still a teeny baby, but his older sister was with us.

Now that both of our kids are older and able to go to such events, my MIL was quite excited to buy them new outfits. A new dress for our daughter and an actual suit for our son. I was looking forward to seeing my little boy in a suit and later watching him cut it up on the dance floor.

My MIL and this girl's mother are close and talk quite often. This wedding has been the topic of their conversations for quite some time.

September 11th was the day of the bridal shower. I thought it was tacky, but not my decision to make. I went with my MIL and my daughter. My MIL even bought the bride-to-be a gift specifically from my daughter. We talked of some hassles that went into setting up the bridal shower, as well as conversations about the wedding itself.

Two weeks ago I finally received one of the fanciest wedding invitations I have ever seen. While looking over the RSVP card, I became confused. There were 3 options of what to choose for our main dinner course. I wasn't sure what to do when it came to the kids. Were they expected to eat one of those 3 options, or would there be child friendly meals at the reception?

I held off on filling out the card until I talked to my MIL. I was getting the impression our kids weren't invited to this wedding. My MIL called the bride's mom and asked her what I should do. The response we got - she didn't think children were invited to the wedding (even though there are children in the bridal party).

In all of the conversations my MIL had with the bride's mother, you think "no children allowed" would have been mentioned.

This wedding is on a Friday, at 5pm. Who am I going to find to babysit my kids since everyone I know works? But before I could even worry about that, my MIL told us to not even bother going to the wedding.

I should have assumed that not everyone wants children at their wedding and reception. However, this bride should also have taken into consideration how difficult it can be to find a babysitter on a weekday afternoon.

I'm relieved to not have to attend this wedding, especially since our daughter's birthday is the following day. But I'm upset that this little detail of no kids wasn't mentioned earlier than a month before the wedding.

This is how we do it

I'm sure I've mentioned in the past that I love to shop. For goodness sakes, I have a "Shopaholic" label on more than one post! As much as I love to shop, I also love a good deal. The other night I hit the mother load of good deals.

My midgets went back to school this week. A-fucking-men!! But unlike most of their friends, my kids went back to school with, gasp, old tennis shoes! Major fail on my part, but in my defense, we hit some financial bumps earlier in the month that we are rebounding from. That may or may not be related to that "shopaholic" label I just referred to.


So anyway, let's forget about that bump and continue with my kick ass deal, k?

I took the midgets to Payless. Back to school means a huge buy one, get one half off sale. On everything. I also scored a 20% off my entire purchase coupon.

Each child found a pair of shoes that suits (and fits) them perfectly. Since I had that extra coupon, I though I would get myself a pair of shoes. I resisted the urge to buy yet another pair of boots. Not only would the husband kill me, but none of them had heels. Seriously, where can a girl get a gorgeous pair of sleek black boots with a heel? Sheesh!

While I was looking, my girl found herself a pair of boots. Must be hereditary. The pair she found were the exact ones she wanted last year but could never find in her size. I sent a text to the husband about a budget. Once I had a number, I did the math and we went ahead and grabbed the last pair of those lovely boots in her size. I also grabbed myself some pretty pink tennis shoes and a few extras for my boy.





Let me break down everything in that picture.....

What we could have paid, rounded to the nearest dollar to make the math simple for me...

Boy shoes $14
Girl shoes $15
My shoes $21
Girl boots $37
Umbrella $10
Sunglasses $6

Total $103

That's really not all that bad, but I expected to pay closer to $75 with the discounts factored in.

What I actually paid.....

$50

I was nothing short of stupid excited when I saw that 5 and the 0. Somehow those $37 boots rang up as $14. Maybe it was a glitch, but I surely wasn't going to say a word.


What's the best deal you ever got on something?

I remember when

I remember when I met my first love.

I was 3, may be 4 years old. That was the year I got my very first Cabbage Patch doll. She had dark skin and dark, curly hair. At least as curly as yarn can be. I didn't care what she looked like because she was mine. Eartha Kissy was her name.


I remember when I had my first heartbreak.

A year or so after I found my first love, I lost her. I was playing with her at the make shift pond inside our local mall. We loved to watch the fish swim around as we ran back and forth across the bridge together. As we were leaving the mall I realized that she was still playing on that bridge. My first love was gone. My heart was crushed.


I remember my first bounce back relationship.

The day after my heart broke I woke up and saw her. She was shiny and new. Standing proud in her box. She had hair the color of fire that stuck out from under her astronaut helmet. Her name escapes me, but she quickly filled the hole in my heart.


I remember when we first met.

I stood in my lawn, the new girl in town. You zipped up the street on your bike, trying to keep up with your big sister. We were quick to become friends and soon we were both zipping up the street on our bikes. Trying to keep up with each other.


I remember when those 2 wheels became 4.

It took much practice, but after a few months, I could make a K with a car and park close to the curb. Those 4 wheels were all I wanted to get where I needed. Twenty dollars in my pocket is all I required. A tank of gas, a pack of smokes, and sometimes a drink.


I remember a time when the little things were all that mattered.


I remember a time when it didn't take much to reach your destination.


My goodness, how things have changed.

Open letter to iTunes

Me and iTunes, we don't always get along. It's not very often that I buy music, but I do subscribe to a podcast for the midgets.


Quick shoutout to Night Light Stories! If you have your own midgets, go check out their stories!


When I hear there's a new story, I get all kinds of excited. A new story grants me at least 15 minutes of quiet in the car.

I launch iTunes, hook up my pretty pink iPod, and download the new story. It's a quick 20 second process, but then I have to sync my iPod. Here is where the problems start.

One of 2 things always happens. Either the new story isn't added to my iPod, or it is, but all the other stories are deleted. If the latter happens, then I have to resync all the stories, which takes no less than 3 tries. Every time.

For my birthday last month, the in-laws got me a gift card for iTunes. I was looking forward to listening to some old school Madonna, but I was not looking forward to the process of getting her from my library onto my iPod.

So....


Dear iTunes,

Fuck you, ok. Fuck. You. I should have known that this would not be easy when you decided to go as slow as molasses in the dead of winter. After a 30 minutes search, I finally find my songs of choice and began to make my purchases. After Vogue, you thanked me (how polite), but then asked if I wanted to Ping my friends. First off, what the hell is that? Second, no. I clicked your little box asking to not ask me that after every purchase.

Why did you feel the need to ask if I wanted to Ping my friends after Like a Prayer? And Material Girl? And This Used to be My Playground? I said no. You want Ping, I'll show you some ping. Right upside you head!

After another 15 minutes, my 8 songs are purchased and sitting happily in my library. Time to sync. *cringe*

The simple thing would have been to check the little box next to my songs and click on sync. I guess since the latest updates, that's not an option anymore? I clicked sync and thought I was doing everything right. I double check my iPod and there is no Madonna on there. What the hell?!?

5 tries later and voila! Madonna! Unfortunately in this process, a previous purchased album was no longer on my iPod. The next 30 minutes were spent trying to get that album back on my iPod. I tried to authorize my computer about as many times as I entered my password. How many times that was, I'm not sure. But it was a lot. I finally had to give up so I could go do the mom thing.

After dinner I spent another hour authorizing, entering my password, yelling, and crying. I purchased this album. Why can't I listen to it, you bastards?

Please fix this problem. I really don't want to go through this again when I want to spend the rest of my gift card.

Sincerely,
Me


ps. I would like to retract this letter because it turns out the problem all lays upon the husband. Had I known all I had to do was use his password, I wouldn't have spent 2 hours pulling my hair out. Damn him!

Could socks and underwear turn me into a sexy mom?

Yes the lights are pretty and the holiday spirit can be rather uplifting, but sometimes I really feel that the holidays suck. I mean really, some of this shit drives me bat shit crazy! You know what makes it worse? Holidays suck when you're single and don't have a pretty face. Maybe that's why I turn to Jules Out Loud to get everything out. I'm not quite daring enough to take a picture so you can look at my gray hair. Maybe if I pulled out a loud prom dress, I could look somewhat prettied up. Talk about sexy conundrums!

Another things that drives me bat shit crazy this time of year are the pathetic Hanukkah end-caps. Why can't there be more of those racks than just Chanukkah socks and underwear? Seriously people, get with the program!

You know what I think I need to pull me out of this funk? Some sort of take 2 prom extravaganza. Now that will surely make me feel like the sexy mom that I am!

This post is brought to you by me, with the help of Google Analytics. Everything in blue are what people were searching for that landed them on my lovely blog. I don't know how I ended up in the single result, because I'm not. But what really confuses me is how I ended up in the results for not having a pretty face and being a sexy mom. One or the other please! Preferably sexy mom!

But one thing I know for sure, I feel bad for the person who is getting Chanukkah socks and underwear this year!